HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[Hunter B]

Hehehe, welcome back dude!


I trust you remember the rules.


Hope you stay for a while this time.



Oh, and everyone, meet my step-brother!


(If you have any questions, you can ask me, or, PM one of the other regulars )

[Metal_head]

Hehehe, welcome back dude!


I trust you remember the rules.


Hope you stay for a while this time.



Oh, and everyone, meet my step-brother!


(If you have any questions, you can ask me, or, PM one of the other regulars )

or i could just go to the door next to me

[Hunter B]

or i could just go to the door next to me

Oh, hehehe, that'd probably be easier, wouldn't it?

[Darb]

Snow writing !

http://pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/snow.html

p.s. I suppose I should point out that this is a guys-only sight gag.

[Kvetch]

brad:


the pwp.blueyonder webites have the strangest stuff on them ( http://coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ is my personal fav.)

[laurie]

Snow writing !

http://pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/snow.html

p.s. I suppose I should point out that this is a guys-only sight gag.

Busy day at work, eh Brad?

/me wonders what B. was looking for when he found THAT.

[Darb]

That one arrived by way of a humor e-mail from a friend. I dutifully posted it in BKM's bad-hume-hair thread.

[Kahrey]

[Kvetch]

This possibly ought to go somewhere in the tap room, but I just had to post it SOMEWHERE.

(external url due to large - but not THAT large - file size)

Iron Chef Human

[Darb]

Blahahahah. Nice one kvetch.

Say, did you watch Iron Chef America this past Sunday ?

[bob k. mando]

Have the lambs stopped steaming, Clarice?
...
Bouillabaisse are belong to us…


mwahahahaha.

[Kvetch]

Blahahahah. Nice one kvetch.

Say, did you watch Iron Chef America this past Sunday ?

never even heard of it before that actually

[Kvetch]

This one if from the Political Compass's FAQ page. I read it straight through without getting the joke - I only noticed it because I re-read it. It's one of the best jokes I've read in a long time. It was the unexpectedness after the serious and meaningful answers preceeding it

When are you guys gonna learn to spell ?
This grievance comes from those who aren't aware that British and American spellings sometimes differ.

We've been at the centre of some rancour, but we're not going to take offence or harbour any grievances. The catalogue of complaints won't colour this organisation's programme. It's a grey area anyway. And we don't want to labour the point.

I count eight. am I right there?

[bob k. mando]

centre
rancour
harbour
colour
organisation
programme
labour
7

grey << valid alternate spelling


edit: oops, missed the 'gonna' in the question. i was looking for english misspellings not american ones.

[Ghost]

I count ten:

1. Centre – Center
2. Offence - Offense
3. Rancour – Rancour
4. Harbour – Harbor
5. Catalogue - Catalog
6. Colour – Color
7. Orginisation - Organization
8. Programme – Program
9. Grey - Gray
10. Labour - Labor

[Kvetch]

rancour - rancour ?!?!
you misspelt your brit version of 7 too.

the ones I missed were 2, 7 and I think 4 (the first two I didn't even know COULD be spelt differently, and i just missed harbour)

[laurie]

We spell it "rancor", not "rancour" - Ghost mistyped.

Grey / gray are both used here, but gray is more common.

[bob k. mando]

Catalogue
Offence
Grey

are all considered to be valid alternate spellings in the american idiom although offence is more 'English' than offense.

[bob k. mando]

you misspelt your brit verstion of 7 too.

welllllll, while we're on the subject of nitpicking spelling ....

laurie, would you like to do the honors?

[Kvetch]

what misspelling?

[laurie]

Kvetch: I missed any error you made, but Ghost DID make 2.


Ghost


Happy now, Bob?

[Kahrey]

Emails...

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
> She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
> Her son is on the front of the Wheaties box.
> Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
> Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
> And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
> ************************************************
> WOMEN'S REVENGE
> "Cash, check or charge?" I asked,
> after folding items the woman
> wished to purchase.
> As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed
> a TV remote control in her purse.
> "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
> "No," she replied, "but my husband
> refused to come shopping with me,
> so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
> ************************************************
> UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
> (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
> I know I'm not going to understand women.
> I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
> pour it onto your upper thigh,
> rip the hair out by the roots,
> and still be afraid of a spider.
> ************************************************
> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
> communication, Tom and his wife Grace
> listened to the instructor,
> "It is essential that husbands and wives know the
> things that are important to each other."
> He addressed the man,
> "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
> Tom leaned over,
> touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
> "It's Pillsbury, isn't it, honey?"
> The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
> ************************************************
> CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
> A man walks into a pharmacy and
> wanders up and down the aisles.
> The sales girl notices him and
> asks him if she can help him.
> He answers that he is looking for a
> box of tampons for his wife.
> She directs him down the correct aisle.
> A few minutes later, he deposits
> a huge bag of cotton balls
> and a ball of string on the counter.
> She says, confused,
> "Sir, I thought you were looking for
> some tampons for your wife?
> He answers,
> "You see, it's like this.
> Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
> to get me a carton of cigarettes,
> and she came back with a tin of tobacco
> and some rolling papers; 'cause
> it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
> So, I figure if I have to roll my own . .. . so does she"
> (Of course, I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton )
> ************************************************
> WIFE VS. HUSBAND!
> A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
> not saying a word.
> An earlier discussion had led to an argument
> and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
> As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs,
> the husband asked sarcastically,
> "Relatives of yours?"
> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> ************************************************
> A husband read an article to his wife about
> how many words women use each day .
> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
> The wife replied,
> "The reason has to be because we have
> to repeat everything to men . .
> " The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
> (Milk carton candidate.)
> ************************************************
> A man said to his wife one day,
> "I don't know how you can be so stupid
> and so beautiful all at the same time."
> "The wife responded,
> "Allow me to explain.
> God made me beautiful so
> you would be attracted to me;
> God made me stupid so
> I would be attracted to you!"

Really like this one....

>Bill, Hillary and Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.
>Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
>$100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
>Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00
>bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
>Kerry says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out
>the window and make a hundred people very happy."
>The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot,
>"Such Bigshots back there! I could throw all of them out the window and
>make millions happy!"

[bob k. mando]

Battlin' Emails

A beer test--
Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:
1. Talked excessively without making sense
2. Became overly emotional (I love you man!)
3. Couldn't drive
4. Failed to think rationally
5. Argued over nothing
6. Had to sit down while urinating and
7. Refused to apologize even when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.



You know what's really scary about this story? Phytoestrogens are REAL and they're IN BEER.
http://www.fibrocystic.com/phyto.htm
Licorice, Red Clover, Yucca, Hops (Beer) and Motherwort
Zava, PhD showed that these herbs stimulated estrogen receptor positive breast cancer cells to grow. Red Clover and Yucca were found to be equal in potency to estradiol at the same concentrations. Women who harvest hops for beer begin menstruating 2 days later anecdotally. Zava has confirmed that beer has a significant amount of phytoestrogens that have moderate estrogen activity from hops used in the flavoring of beer.


There, there brad, it'll be okay.

[Kahrey]

Redneck jokes....though I think I be the only one around here....

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

If this is the definition of a redneck......I hope to be remembered as being one!

You might be a redneck if. .

it never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under
God. . "

you've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

you still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

you bow your head when someone prays.

you stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

you treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

you've never burned an American flag.

you know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

you respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

you'd give your last dollar to a friend.

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of them.

/waves rebel flag.

[laurie]

Gee, Kahrey, I do all those things - does that make ME a redneck?