A home for our "Off-Topic" Chats. Like to play games? Tell jokes? Shoot the breeze about nothing at all ? Here is the place where you can hang out with the IBDoF Peanut Gallery and have some fun.
Chow Chow + Labrador Retriever
Chow Retriever, a dog that will get you your dinner with your slippers.
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
The following are said to be actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.
The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
"Life is trial and error. Those who succeed are those who survive their failures and keep trying." - LE Modesitt, Jr.
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.
"Life is trial and error. Those who succeed are those who survive their failures and keep trying." - LE Modesitt, Jr.
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain: _____________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
/me shakes me head
"Life is trial and error. Those who succeed are those who survive their failures and keep trying." - LE Modesitt, Jr.
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
>"Hello, is this the FBI?"
>
>"Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
>"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is
hiding
>marijuana inside his firewood!"
>
>"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
>The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.They
search the
>shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every
piece of
>wood, but find no marijuana.
>
>They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>
>The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here
is Floyd.
> Did the FBI come?"
>
>"Yeah!"
>
>"Did they split your firewood?"
>"Yep."
>
> "Happy Birthday, buddy "
"Life is trial and error. Those who succeed are those who survive their failures and keep trying." - LE Modesitt, Jr.
Re-formatted and re-written slightly, for finesse:
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his own children
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was ...
GOD: "DON'T!"
ADAM: "Don't what?"
GOD: "Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
ADAM: Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
EVE: "No Way!"
ADAM: "Yes way!"
GOD: "Do NOT eat the fruit!"
ADAM: "Why ?"
GOD: "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
GOD: “Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
ADAM: "Uh huh,"
GOD: "Then why did you?"
EVE: "I don't know,"
ADAM: "She started it!"
EVE: "Did not!"
ADAM: "Did too!"
ADAM: "DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Last edited by Darb on Tue Aug 24, 2004 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
p.s. You re-wrote that so it would say "...randchildren,..."?
"A writer's chosen task is to write well and professionally. If you can't keep doing it, then you're no longer a professional, but a gifted amateur." L. E. Modessit, jr.
/me adds 3 extra weeks of purgatory to Aunflin's future judgement-day sentence, 7 yrs 15 days 3 hrs and 42 minutes hence. Oops, did I just say that aloud ?
>"Hello, is this the FBI?"
>
>"Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
>"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is
hiding
>marijuana inside his firewood!"
>
>"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
>The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.They
search the
>shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every
piece of
>wood, but find no marijuana.
>
>They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>
>The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here
is Floyd.
> Did the FBI come?"
>
>"Yeah!"
>
>"Did they split your firewood?"
>"Yep."
>
> "Happy Birthday, buddy "
1. Only in America......
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......
are there handicap parking spaces in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......
do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet
Coke.
5. Only in America......
do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
9. Only in America......
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking
creatures".
10. Only in America......
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
I saw that in "Readers Digest" a couple months ago - had me laughing out loud in the doctor's waiting room!
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD AN "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT. I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
1. Only in America......
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......
are there handicap parking spaces in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......
do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet
Coke.
5. Only in America......
do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
9. Only in America......
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking
creatures".
10. Only in America......
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Author Unknown
I know this is irrelevent, buy 'poly-' is a greek root, not a latin one.
"I'm the family radical. The rest are terribly stuffy. Aside from Aunt - she's just odd."
Now that you mention it, he got the "tics" part wrong, too. A "tic" is an involuntary muscle movement, usually in facial muscles. The bloodsucker is a "tick".
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
